I have hinted here that I am in the midst of a spiritual change in my life; or rather, I have recognized myself to be someone and something completely different than I have been previously named. I have come to know the nature of my heart and I need to be able to live within that realm.
I have been at odds with myself for years, my own spirituality not precisely lining up with my religion: Square peg, round hole. I had a mental filing cabinet that was jam packed with questions. Nine years ago the drawers of that filing cabinet wouldn't close for their fullness, and I could no longer function with bits of myself - for those questions were me, they came from within - hidden away.
So, for these past 9 years have explored books and texts, been reflective and thoughtful, I have studied various religions as well as adopting a yogic lifestyle in an attempt to discover my path, all while being grateful for the path I am already on.
To paraphrase a passage I recently read (at the moment I cannot recall the book or the author, which is why I paraphrase), when we are thirsty, we do not go to books to read and discover what water is and how it functions; when we are thirsty, we drink.
This thirsty soul has been handed a glass of water.
This weekend I have the opportunity to drink that water, and I am honestly frightened. This is a big step for me. I have yet to officially accept the proffered water, but the more I think about it, the more determined I feel.
It's silly, those things that are keeping me from accepting: Driving into downtown Salt Lake City on one of the busiest traffic days of the year - I thoroughly dislike driving. Parking downtown! Ack! Not knowing where to go, how to get where I need to be, not knowing which literal door to walk through, not knowing were to find the one who is helping me . . . etc. I keep telling myself my car has GPS, my soul doesn't, but upon reflection, I think it just might.
Funny, the things that slow us down. It's just fear showing up, disguised. I know this is vague, I haven't actually mentioned where I'm going and what I'll be doing. I'm deliberately writing with transparency to help myself make up my mind, to make sense of the fear rising up.
I hope to have an experience to write of come Monday.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Monday, September 29, 2014
Last week was one I am not desirous of repeating. I did, however, find something within the onslaught of events that was worth noting here. Well, there's a lot to say, actually, but I am still working the crux of it into intelligible thought and the subsequent words. Anywho . . .
I had the opportunity to apologize.
I found myself surrounded by differences of opinion, and I freely expressed mine. What I shouldn't have done was offer that opinion with such a sharp tongue. Later on, I found myself regretting not what I said, but how I said it. For me, and the way I approach life, I never want to be the type of person who is unkind. In that moment last week, I was too sharp for any kindness to be seen. This is not who I am, I felt horrible regret and sadness.
What a blessing it is to know people who will hear your apology! While I did not retract my opinion, I did take the time to explain my thoughts and feeling with a softer voice. We disagreed, but we are friends still. This is why it was such a blessed opportunity for me. I was able to feel true humility, but also to recognize it in action, as well as recognize a true friend in my life.
I need to remind myself of this, that words are powerful in both directions.
Monday, September 22, 2014
I've been reading some writing prompts lately as a means of inspiration for my journals as well as finding ideas for this wee blog. I found a list today that I really like and I thought it might be fun to post it today.
So, here are a few things about me:
So, here are a few things about me:
- Oh, I'm a tea lover through and through. I do love a good cup of coffee, but tea is my blood.
- I've never been a terribly glossy girl, photos or otherwise.
- I do not, and I repeat, do not have a sweet tooth. I don't really like salty either, what I really like is food. Do I have to choose?
- Radio, and almost always Classical or Irish Folk. If you'd like to read something completely silly, then read this post as to why I don't watch TV.
- I am a morning person! Really.
- Oh, I love to write with pencils, but honestly, I love my calligraphy pens. You know, nibs and ink? There's nothing more glorious to write with.
- I am a bit introverted. In person, I say and talk very little.
- My dearest mountains, I will never leave you. Visits to the beach are nice, but mountains are home.
- I'm so boring, of course I'm structured!
- I'm not a neat-freak, but I'm tidy about things.
- I dream about apple orchards.
- Note the two arrows. I like both, but there is not an option for what I am truly like, and that's stay home and cook it myself.
See now, wasn't that fun? Please share your choices if you're so moved, I'd love to read them!
Sunday, September 21, 2014
It is Autumn here in Utah, and we have some gorgeous places to visit. I feel so blessed to have a wonderful canyon nearby. Simply taking a drive through such majesty is often enough to clear my head and find a bit of order for my thoughts.
Birthday celebrations this past week, I turned 41. I enjoyed a glorious day with my husband, who took the day off work to spoil me. I enjoyed lunch with my dad, older sister, my son and husband. It was so much fun to chat and I ate so much I couldn't eat dinner later that evening. I did, however, find appropriate tummy-space for apple pie!
Earlier this week I registered for some classes to feed my brain. I can only go so far on my own, and it's time to dive back into dedicated learning. I believe I will forever be a student.
This past week also marks the halfway point for my weight loss journey I've been on since May. I set a goal for my loss and have enjoyed great success with my plan I designed. I'm down 25 pounds and I feel fantastic! I bought a mess of new clothes this week to celebrate.
I've also gotten off the fence concerning some spiritual matters. It's a relief to have my feet back on the ground even if they are pointed in a most unexpected direction. I feel so incredibly compelled to move forward and fill the void in my heart, and I am grateful to finally know which road to take. I am a bit frightened, but I also feel oddly comforted by that fear, I have simply stepped into an unknown. I approach it with wide eyes and an open heart.
I also processed grape juice this week! The harvest is slowing down for me now, and I am ready for a well-earned rest. Just a few more herbs to dry and some tomatillos to sort out. Oh, of course there is garlic to be planted, but not until October. Then, I'll start planning next year's garden, which proves to be exciting since we've decided to redesign the backyard. Gardening never ends!
Have a lovely day!
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
While out running this morning, I giggled again at my odd collection of thoughts. I was concentrating on my breathing, but at the same time I was thinking about trapezoids, parallelograms, and a quote by Pope Francis, followed by the thought that I might be a bit odd! I was immediately comforted by the fact that I am indeed odd and I like me that way.
Anyway, most of what I think about is something I read or heard, and I write down those things that move me so I might peruse them again when I can, or when I need them. I make lists! Lots of lists! Lately, I have been reading a fair number of my journals looking for some specific information when I came across a list of items that was almost identical to one I saw on Pinterest last week. So, I created a little photo of that list to post here:
The reason I was so moved to post about this is not the list in its entirety; although I highly recommend doing each item on this list, it is because of #4 I write today.
I don't watch TV. I truly don't. A pen pal of mine recently asked about a particular TV program and asked who my favorite character was, but I had to reply that I had no idea what she was asking. I had to Google the TV show title to find out! I haven't sat down in front of the TV to watch popular or current programming for years and years. I have always, always dismissed television.
I don't care if other folks watch TV and find it entertaining to watch people as they try to explain their favorite shows, but I've never been quite able to watch these things myself. I have felt no desire to watch anything. Today, as I ran, I think I figured out why. I had an a-ha! moment.
I once watched a TV show that rocked me to my core. It changed my heart, it altered the way I look at the world, the way I approach love. That show made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me shout, and the last episode I watched made me so sad I couldn't breathe. And I loved it. I have spent the past few weeks re-watching those episodes that I loved so much, and I have discovered that my views are unchanged. I love it still and it still moved me to tears. I think this is why I don't, or can't, watch any more Television. I've already seen all my heart needs. There are more episodes available than I ever watched, too, but I still have no desire to view beyond my need.
No, I am not going to reveal which TV program it is. Why? Paraphrasing a line from the popular book written by John Green, there are things so special and rare and yours that advertising your affection feels like a betrayal. The author was writing of books but the message is the same. My affection for this program is strong, and I keep it close to my heart, and yeah, apparently forsaking all others!
A TV show. Go figure!